I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
You had me at “define legal”.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries