ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
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This will teach them to underestimate me
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK