My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Happy birthday to all the women
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.