Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]