Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
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If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what