My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something