[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
You Might Also Like
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered