Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.