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“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what