To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
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I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night