My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Accurate
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”