Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks