I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.