I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
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This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”