The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
If I ignore life will it go away?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
that wasn’t the question
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it