*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
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I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop