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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.