Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Swedish for common sense.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Looking at you, Jesus.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
*lint rolls you awake*
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
When ur friends with white people
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
The French word for sex is croissant.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep