*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.