Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Lmao
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.