[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
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I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
i spent way too long on this
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
They’re the worst 😩
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES