wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
the world’s most popular steaming services
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”