i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
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“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Cheer up.
Not today, today.
Not today.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank