Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
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Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎