I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
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[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Alexa, make me look good naked.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.