Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”