You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
This took me a second..
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.