RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Social distancing in Australia:
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
🍛
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.