I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
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Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.