It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
You Might Also Like
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.