Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
You Might Also Like
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding