me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car