Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
i will not be silenced
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Yup!
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on