I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.