Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
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ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
#catsoftwitter
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.