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HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
me and the Superbowl rn
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
You have been warned.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity