I found your tweet-up…
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Go hard or stay average
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*