Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
You Might Also Like
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
sugar glider wrangler
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.