Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
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Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…