[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
You Might Also Like
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face