MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
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I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend