Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
You Might Also Like
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.