Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
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Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning