My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
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modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.