*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
im all 3
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*skinny dips into black hole
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My dream job is getting paid to dream