kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese