Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant