Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
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5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
me, after any kind of buffet.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
🙋♀️
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.