The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
You Might Also Like
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails