Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Uh oh…
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.